How Not to Finish the Game...

6th Inning (February 1999):



7th Inning (autobiography - where this blog got its name - November 2003):



8th Inning (At the Citi testimony before the Financial Industry Inquiry Commission explaining why Citi needed $45 billion in bailouts and $300 billion in tax payer guarantees under their watch - April 2010):

Wip-Saw

S&P 500: 1,128 (only -3.24% after falling intraday over 8%)

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have the evil "muah haha" laugh in my head today as I watched my short position lurch 8%+ today (and ultimately pullback). I don't expect tomorrow's performance to be anything like today, and if I had to bet on a direction I'd probably say up.

That said, to paraphrase WEB, I have no idea what the market will do in the next day, month or year. The game I play, is that I look for small, cheap companies at 10x or under free cash flow (mostly looking at companies under 6x free cash flow unless management is active in paying out the cash or it's an amazing business) that make a lot of sense to buy and don't warrant the corresponding 10% yield equivalent. There's less competition and the returns can be disproportionate with the uncertainty taken.

Parabolic

Since I wrote my last post, the markets have effectively gone parabolic causing one of the quickest losses I've ever had and I still haven't closed the position!

Admittedly this is one of the dumber trades I've done from a risk reward stand point given that I usually invest in situations where I have at minimum 50% upside.

In this case, what's my upside, 20%? 30%?

Dumb trade. The worst part about it, is that I knew, wrote and spoke against my betting against the market. Don't do it. Don't fight it. "The markets can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent..."

In the last 3 years I've had 3 bad trades out of 11. Two of which were from betting against the f'ing market. Of my total loss amounts over 99% have been from these 2 bets.

GAAAAAAA!!!!! I'm a security analyst. Not a market timer.

2010 YTD Return: ~2%.

Tripled My Short

While I'm not betting against the long-term fundamentals of the U.S. economy, I tripled my bet against the market today for the following reasons (in no particular order):

1. The P/E10 Ratio (a 10-year avg. of the S&P 500's earnings divided by the current price) is in pricey territory:



http://dshort.com/articles/SP-Composite-pe-ratios.html

2. It's a hedge against the long positions already established (25% net invested mostly Berkshire, American Physicians, Fairfax)

3. Commercial real estate is an easy catalyst leading to bank mark downs, and further credit reductions).

"Between 2010 and 2014 about $1.4 trillion in commercial real estate loans will reach the end of their terms. Nearly half are at present "under water"- that is the borrower owes more than the underlying property is currently worth. Commercial property values have fallen more than 40 percent since the beginning of 2007. Increased vacancy rates which now range from 8 percent for multifamily housing to 18 percent for office buildings, and falling rents, which have declined by 40 percent for office space and 33 percent for retail space, have exerted a powerful downward pressure on the value of commercial properties."

4. The fed recently stopped buying mortgage backed securities. This has provided a steady demand, which has kept yields artificially low.

5. PIIGS (Portgual, Italy, Ireland, Greece and Spain) Headline Risk - Paul Krugman's excellent article here.

6. Several investors I read are even more pessimistic.

Bill Gross

John Hussman

David Rosenberg (but he's been way to early, starting May 2009 - then again so was I).

Lucky Coinflipper?

As of 4/4/10:

Creaking

With all the creaking, it's almost as if my apartment is reaching out to me, saying... "earthquake"...

Skies of Blue

Recently I've been reflecting on my favorite things in life and what I consider the defining activities that make my life what it is. This helps me appreciate how much and how little is actually within my realm of control. For example, while I have my day job, it really has no bearing on how I feel towards each of these items (which is in my control). If you take it a step further, the job is just a means to participate in these activities, just like any other job. While it's a simple conclusion, it has been helpful for me to keep life in perspective, compartmentalizing the frustrating or stressful tasks from the activities that define me. It has also helped me realize how few material things I actually need or even want. And lastly, it helps me realize that if I were to die before my time (which I'm certainly not expecting, but do occasionally reflect on), that I am grateful to have still lived my life.

This list is not intended to have any meaning to anyone other than myself, as I think each person has to choose their own defining activities.

In no particular order:

Family meals. My own home. Exploring new adventures with Jess and friends. Jewish traditions. Researching unlevered companies that generate significant cash flow. Eating delicious foods. Restful sleep. Staying healthy. Playing cards with friends. Cooperative video games. Mini golf. Jacuzzi time. Walks on the beach. Hikes. Sunsets and sunrises. Listening to music while driving with the windows down. Thought provoking books and conversation. Living in a town with beautiful weather. East Coast vacations. Violin. Imaginary stories in my head.

And a few that I have yet to experience:

Good husband. Good dad (teach kids to be good and add value to world). Walk my own obedient dog.

Too much Dexter?

After a hectic weekend, I told Jess today that I was looking forward to having sometime to myself to relax.

"I don't kill people, I just read."

Life Addictions

Due to her ability to get me hooked onto television shows, I’ve recently started calling Jess my “drug dealer”. It usually starts with me walking by her desk, the volume isn’t even on, but something on the screen catches my eye. For example, about two weeks ago, I walked by and saw a naked chick getting strangled by the Ice Truck Killer a la Dexter Season 1. Upon seeing Jess watch what appears as porn as I walked by, I then walked back. My initial reaction was somewhat like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life, when he realizes that he stepped on Mary’s robe and she’s naked in the bushes.... “Hmmmm…. A man doesn’t get in a situation like this every day.”

…

A week later and I walk up to Jess and tap my inner arm and say “I need the good stuff.” With Netflix I can get my fix of season 1 or 2 of Dexter at anytime online. It used to be Heroes but the show doesn’t give me the high I need anymore. On Friday we finished Season 2 of Dexter in a 4 hour marathon session. I started thinking of a 12 step program for my dark demons when I got an email from Kelvin…

…

In the last 24 hours, I’ve played 5 games of Craps on my iphone due to Kelvin’s recommendation. I won $300 (fake dollars) in one, won $100 in another, and crapped out in the rest. Just enough of a net win to keep me going into the next week.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Surrogates

Maybe I'm just easy, but Surrogates just blew my mind.

It raised a lot of thought-provoking questions (would you have sex with a robot? As a robot?) and also had a iRobot like story.

The ending also wrapped everything up so nicely.

Man, that was awesome.

I haven't been this pumped after watching a movie since I saw Taken.

Dealing with Death

As a follow up to the last post, below are two excerpts from When Bad Things Happen to Good People by (Harold Kushner) that help me grapple with premature deaths:

"If the bad things that happen to us are the results of bad luck, and not the will of God, what makes bad luck happen?" I was stumped for an answer. My instinctive response was that nothing makes bad luck happen; it just happens. But I suspected that there must be more to it than that... Can you accept the idea that some things happen for no reason, that there is randomness in the universe? Some people cannot handle that idea. They look for connections, striving desperately to make sense of all that happens. They convince themselves that God is cruel, or that they are sinners, rather than accept randomness. Sometimes, when they have made sense of ninety percent of everything they know, they let themselves assume that the other ten percent makes sense also, but lies beyond the reach of their understanding. But why do we have to insist on everything being reasonable? (pg. 46)...

Laws of nature do not make exceptions for nice people. A bullet has no conscience; neither does a malignant tumor or an automobile gone out of control. That is why good people get sick and get hurt as much as anyone. No matter what stories we were taught about Daniel or Jonah in Sunday School, God does not reach down to interrupt the workings of laws of nature to protect the righteous from harm. (pg. 58)

The Unknown, Unknown

Every few months I get the itch to change the name of this journal to reflect the current flavors in my life. But then, about just as often, something completely unexpected, an "unknown unknown," or a blackswan, enters my life. It's usually after the initial suprise, or"holy s#$%!" phase wears off, that I remind myself that: "we live in an uncertain world." It's not a judgment about good or evil, right or wrong, but a mantra that alleviates the echoing questions in my mind and helps me accept the randomness in life.

I found out today that a family acquaintance passed away unexpectedly on Friday. He was a year younger than me (~23 yrs old), a friendly trumpet player in the high school marching band, and died from complications associated with his diabetes. I am both shocked and saddened by his death.

We live in an uncertain world.

Life Choices...

In every life we much choose between the following two philosophies as presented in the following quotes:

“I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.” - Ayn Rand (John Galt's Oath from Atlas Shrugged)

Vs.

"Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world may still know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved." - Victor Frankl (Sharing how he survived Auschwitz from Man's Search for Meaning)


...

I don't think Ayn Rand knew what she was missing.

Aaaah Snap....

In finance they have a saying, "you're either quick or you're dead."

In poker, the winner usually has some combination of favorable luck and excellent snap judgment ability.

Snap judgments are also critical in countless other tasks - Gladwell practically wrote a whole book about it. Yet, in life, people call me "judgemental" or say that I "generalize" as if it's a bad thing.

huh?

People generalize, because their generalizations are generally correct. Why are snap judgments about life (and people) a bad thing, when it's a critical skill set to almost everything else you do?

Holiday Season

Just finished a wonderful 8 nights of Channukah with Jess and my folks. Lot of oily latkes and cheesy gifts. While I asked my folks not to get me anything this year, my parents bought me an Enervive machine after Mom saw an infomercial on HSN. The purchase reflects many aspects of my life. My parents are very loving, and even if they know I'm not really looking for anything (other than free time) my family still likes to try new and silly things. The Enervive is a battery powered machine with two paddles you place on a tense part of your body (lower back) that sends electric pulses that cause you muscles to involuntarily spasm, yet relax at the same time. Needless to say, after several glasses of wine, we we're all laughing around the table thinking about this goofy contraption and pretending like you could hook it up to your head to turn on electrical appliances. It was fun, and I'm glad Jess understands how my family works and is also eager to join it.

So while Jess and I are enjoying the holiday cheer,(it's hard not to given that the winter flavors at starbucks are back), recently I've been wondering as I look to extended family and colleagues, why can the holiday season bring out the worst in people? While I don't have a grand thesis on it, I think the heart of the issue comes from the idea of spending money you don't have on gifts that may not be appreciated.

But then again, I think back to the enervive, and while fortunately my parents can afford a silly toy and I don't think that my Mom meant for it be appreciated as a party gag, maybe the real issue is that gift giving forces people together. And you if can't appreciate your family and friends, it doesn't matter what toys you find under the Christmas tree this year.

Poker, Investing and Market Follow Up

1. One of the many parallels between poker and investing is the rhythm in betting. For example, in poker I'm constantly adjusting my style to the position, or where I sit relative to the dealer. For example, if I'm first to bet, I'm less likely to play aggressively given that I'm uncertain on how the other players feel about their cards. In short, it's foolish to make a strong bluff, when any one of the nine players ahead of you could have stellar cards. That's the point of playing position, you're constantly monitoring the flow of information from other players. Maybe Mr. Alligator Blood quickly called the bet from the drunken roommate, so maybe I shouldn't raise pre-flop.

In investing, similar to knowing your position in poker, you must know where you are relative to the general market. The more bullish the crowd, the more bearish get. It is for this reason that after a 60% rally, I don't go "guns blazing" into any investment. I currently sit with a 5% short on the market, 5% long Berkshire, and 90% cash.

Another similarity between poker and investing is the discovery process of the fulcrum security. For example, during a contentious bankruptcy usually there's a valuation fight where creditors argue for how much debt the underlying company can support. This is a critical process because it frequently determines which lender gets the post-reorganization equity, and which lender gets nothing. The lower you are in the company's debt structure, the less likely you get a pay day.

In poker, I like to think of the fulcrum security as the minimum bet necessary to cause the other players around the table to question what they have with the goal of having them fold. What's fun about this is that it's a constantly evolving discovery process. While usually I think the fulcrum bet is somewhere between 5 to 10% of the initial buy-in, it can vary based on how long the game has been playing, the amount of alcohol consumed, the familiarity of the players and countless other factors.

Anywho, those are just my random musings on cards vs. investing, and that said there are many differences between the two that need to be appreciated and will be discussed in the future. Until then one of may favorite quotes that captures the difference is from a recent Bloomberg article: “In poker, people are used to not sitting back and waiting for the fat pitch...they’re used to skirting the edge of ruin and they learn the tools of how to do that.”

2. To follow up on my last post on shorting the market, I've settled on not betting. While I have strong conviction that we are due for a near-term pull-back, the risk return profile (like pot-odds) totally isn't worth it. For example, how much can I profit from betting against the market? In all likelihood the range is from 10-30%. Given that I almost never buy stocks with only a 30% upside, why should I make an exception for shorting the market? The answer is that I shouldn't. Despite the frustration of sitting on the sidelines (much like the frustration of mucking a lot of bad hands), a full chip stack is worth a lot more when everyone else is panicking.

Leaving Money on the Table

I'm very very tempted to quadruple my short position on the Russell 2000 almost purely on my read of the tape. While I think the U.S. markets have topped, betting on their fluctuations is more of a parlor game employing speculative dark arts versus the analytical operations I wish to continue conducting as a value investor (buying great companies on the cheap).

Argh.

Exogenous Event / Random Musings

Is the default of $80-90bn in dubai debt the exogenous event that starts the reverberations that finally sends world markets into a 20-30% tail-spin?

Cracks in the Sidewalk

I've been reflecting on growing up a lot recently. As a kid, the movie version of being an adult always seemed so simple. Get a job, have a family, parent children, eat, laugh, watch tv, and go to sleep. While this definitely captures the framework of growing up, there's an essence that is missing. So far, my limited exposure to adulthood is like the Jim Croce song, Time in a Bottle. To paraphrase, you spend your life figuring out what you want, only to realize you don't have the time to do it all. In other words, life is about the intangible sacrifices and enjoying the things that you do get.

That's not to say my life isn't exceptionally rich with friendship, family and experiences, because it is. But in the process of living life, there are infinite little sacrifices, like microscopic cracks in the sidewalk, that largely go unnoticed each day as you're walking through life. They can be silly things like watching a TV program you have no desire to see but are coerced into watching, to lingering internal debates about past relationships and what could have been.

It also comes in the form of career choices. Is this job really part of my life plans? Like the chill that comes with an autumnal sunset, are my life dreams actually attainable? Will I really be self-employed when I turn 35? What if I haven't saved enough and I have a family that depends on me? What about working from Singapore? Would I really want to leave my aging parents and family behind?

It's also a little strange to wonder, when I have children will I want them to read this blog? Should they know about my insecurities and past mistakes? How would it make them feel knowing that their Dad once loved another? Or do you retire the blog, and just accept it as it is. Another sacrifice in life, another crack in the sidewalk.

The Market

The market, like the Lord, helps those who help themselves. But, unlike the Lord, the market does not forgive those who know not what they do.

- WEB

Munger's Life Advice

If it's any reflection of the impact Charlie Munger has had on my life, last night I dreamed that I talked with him as an undergraduate student at UCLA debating whether deficit spending would resolve the current global recession.

While it's an answer to a completely different question that I may have posted already, I reflect on Munger's life advice so often that I felt it was worth re-posting:

How to Get Rich

We get these questions a lot from the enterprising young. It's a very intelligent question: you look at some old guy who's rich and you ask, "how can I become like you, except faster?" [Laugher] My answer is that I did it slowly, inch by inch, taking losses mentally when they occurred. If you want to do it with fast rapidity, then you're talking to the wrong man, but I know my way works.

If you don't just want to play tiddlywinks, I say welcome to the pool. Spend each day trying to be a little wiser than you were when you woke up. Discharge your duties faithfully and well. Step by step you get ahead, but not necessarily in fast spurts. But you build discipline by preparing for fast spurts. You may not need Zsa Zsa Gabor or a Lamborghini or a lot of other things you think you need now. Slug it out one inch at a time, day by day, at the end of the day -- if you live long enough -- most people get what they deserve.

It's so simple. What's the best way to get a good spouse? The best single way is to deserve a good spouse because a good spouse is by definition not nuts. [Laughter] It's the same with the responsibilities in life.

Fat People

I don't normally laugh at fat people phrases, but this one takes the cake:

"Can someone tell me when obesity transitioned itself from carnival curiosity to something we see everyday and pretend to not notice?"

Why You Need to Read the Notes

So here's why you need to read the notes before you buy any stock. As I'm sitting and reading MicroStrategy's (MSTR) 2008 annual report I'm impressed by the Company, its product (an online platform to help companies track and analyze all recorded transactions - which is a trend with strong tailwinds) and I'm flipping through the notes to see if there's any red flags. By the time I'm in the mid-50's, (and keep in mind there are only 70+ pages) I come to the section on commitments and contingencies where the report says the following:

"On January 31, 2007, we entered into an agreement to purchase a corporate aircraft for delivery in mid-2009, which we expect to begin operating during the 2009 calendar year. The aggregate purchase price for the aircraft is $46.1 million, payable in installments on various dates related to the completion of manufacturing of the aircraft and the delivery of the aircraft. "

Wow.

The Great Devotions

In Jamie Dimon's 2008 Chairman's letter to JP Morgan shareholders he praises how our government has acted to address the ongoing global financial meltdown. While the actions of our government were not perfect, intervention was critical. He later quotes the following from President T. Roosevelt:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points
out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of
deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs
to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is
marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives
valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;
but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who
knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who
spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best
knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and
who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring
greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold
and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

I like the speech very much as it is similar to the "it's better to have loved and lost" quote but applied to life.

For those interested in understanding how and why the meltdown occurred, consider reading the annual letter starting on page 14 with the section titled: Fundamental Causes and Contributions to the Financial Crisis. The letter in its entirety can be found below:

http://files.shareholder.com/downloads/ONE/642257354x0x283417/92060ed3-3393-43a5-a3c1-178390c6eac5/2008_AR_Letter_to_shareholders.pdf

I Dreamed a Dream

Susan's got nothing on her:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yt-IBJpEMzA

Indepence of Solitude

It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.

- Emerson

And there She Was...

Standing in my room. Over a year since I last spoke to Her, and longer since I was in Her presence. We talk but nothing is said. Those feelings from our breakup go rushing through my chest. She's right here. I'm looking at Her, Her face, Her freckles, Her hair. I smell Her scent.

I wake up.

My head is pounding and I'm in a cold sweat. It's 3:15 AM, 15 minutes before my clock alarm. Another day where I'm reminded of what was and what could have been. Do I miss Her, or just the ideals she meant to me? Youth, freedom and exploration, puppy superbowls and unconditional love. Either way, like the dream, she's gone.

The alarm buzzes.

I stumble towards the bathroom trying not to wake Jess. I whisper to Jess that I love her, and in 10 minutes the dream has passed, my hair is slicked to the side, and I'm zooming 74 mph, on cruise control, heading to Commerce.

It's 4:02AM as I park in the empty lot. I'm the first into work, the way I like it, and my desk is covered with reports. By 4:30PM I've had 4 packets of microwaveable oatmeal, 5 cups of water, 9 ice cubes, and 2 cups of carrot ginger soup. I'm trying to lose weight. That said, my real appetite is in researching companies. I've looked at 4 banks, 1 brokerage and 1 non-residential construction company. Nothing can be more interesting and I'm completely devoted.

I heard a story today that a man 10-15 years my senior is looking to change jobs. He was offered a job at a top firm with a base $1MM in cash.... He turned it down. Welcome to the aquarium.

As I drive home, I start floating back to reality. Is this Million Dollar Man happy with his life? Does he go home and greet his wife and children with joy? Doesn't he know that a happy life is not unconditional wealth, but unconditional love?

In that moment, I realize that I've lost something.

I think back to Diana. I'm looking at her. Her hair, Her face, Her dimples but something has faded. As I try to recollect her every last detail, I realize it's hopeless. Her scent is gone, and the dream has vanished.

Yesterday

A song that means so much to so many and a quote that blows it all away.


"I never went to high school reunions. My thing is, Out of sight, out of mind. That's my attitude toward life. I don't believe in yesterday, by the way. I'm only interested in what I'm doing now. You can never go home. It doesn't exist."

- John Lennon (January 1981)

Complacency

Complacency is a luxury for which no man can afford. If you think you can, you'll probably wake up a year later overweight, over-leveraged and unhappy. Of course it's only human to become complacent, as logic doesn't reach it's natural conclusion immediately, and lot of dumb people can look real smart for a long time.

In the course of a recession / depression the first wave of trauma will naturally hit the population that was most complacent. Or as Warren Buffett might say, when the tide goes out, you see who's been swimming naked. And indeed there has been a lot of skinny dipping lately.

The "men of mind" around the world, have become the "men of money." CEO's ranging from the top investment banks to automobile manufacturers shifted their focus from long-term innovation to short-term performance bonuses while maintaining a blinds eye for the inevitable near-term failure.

But the high and mighty corporate executive and investment banker aren't the only classes to fall from grace. Many homeowners we're equally complacent. At the peak of the housing bubble in 2006/2007 it is said that at least 30%+ of all home purchases were for speculation. Predatory lending my ass. Unfortunately the home price elevator hit a ceiling and we must all now bear the consequences. It will not be as, Ayn Rand might suggest, a Great Atlas, or a group of society's most industrious that will save us. In time, as logic works its way, we as a society face many risks including trillion dollar deficits, currency debasement, a potentially rapid inflation, higher taxes and ultimately civil unrest.

That said, I'm optimistic in spots. As Keanu Reeve's discovers in The Day the Earth Stood Still, we humans change at the precipice of disaster. While our society will not go unscathed from the excess and complaceny of the last few years, we will survive, and we will prosper until ultimately, we do it all again.

Relgious Truths

I read something today that helped me understand the different religions around the world:

Religious Truths:

Taoism: Shit Happens.

Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens"

Buddhism: If shit happens, it is not really shit.

Zen-Buddhism: What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism: This shit has happened before.

Islam: If shit happen it is the Will of Allah.

Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?

Favorite Things from 2008

The thoughts of others,
were light and fleeting,
of lovers meeting,
or luck or fame,
but mine were of trouble,
and mine were steady,
so I was ready,
when trouble came - Eugene Stead

Two phrases from Dark Knight:

"The night is darkest just before the dawn."

"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain"


Andrew Marlowe on rules for employment:

1.) Are you competent?
2.) Are you pleasant?
3.) Do you make my day shorter?

Who Put This...

The last couple of posts were a little more serious than usual so I decided to lighten it up a bit:

http://www.wallstreetfighter.com/2008/10/exchange-floor-trader-prank.html

You lived through 2008?

If you had asked me two years ago what the economy would look like if Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG, Lehman Brothers, Bear Stearns, Merrill Lynch, Washington Mutual, and Wachovia had all disintegrated through implosion or fire sale, I would have likely said that the country would be reliving a great depression.

These are uncertain times, fear of a global meltdown is violently shaking investors of all shapes, sizes and asset classes. Unemployment is 6% today and possibly 8%+ within the next 12 months.

Death is Not the Enemy

DEATH IS NOT THE ENEMY
By Joshua Loth Liebman

I often feel that death is not the enemy of life, but its friend; for it is the knowledge that our years are limited which makes them so precious. It is the truth that time is but lent to us which makes us, at our best, look upon our years as a trust handed into our temporary keeping. We are like children privileged to spend a day in a great park, a park filled with many gardens and playgrounds, and azure-tinted lakes and boats sailing upon tranquil waves.

True, the day allotted to each of us is not the same in length, in light, in
beauty. Some children of earth are privileged to spend a long and sunlit day in the garden of the earth. For others, the day is shorter, cloudier, and dusk descends more quickly as in a winter’s tale.

But whether our life is a long summery day or a shorter wintry afternoon, we know that inevitably there are storms and squalls which overcast even the bluest heaven and there are sunlit rays which pierce the darkest autumn sky. The day we are privileged to spend in the great park of life is not the same for all human beings; but there is enough beauty and joy and gaiety in the hours, if we but treasure them.

Then for each of us the moment comes when the great nurse, death, takes us by the hand and quietly says, “It is time to go home. Night is coming. It is your bedtime, child of earth. Come, you’re tired. Lie down at last in the quiet nursery of nature and sleep. Sleep well. The day is gone. Stars shine in the canopy of eternity.”

Repairer of Fallen Walls

Isaiah 58:5-58:12

5 Is such the fast I desire,
A day for men to starve their bodies?
Is it bowing the head like a bulrush
And lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Do you call that a fast,
A day when the Lord is favorable?
6 No, this is the fast I desire:
To unlock the fetters of wickedness,
And untie the cords of the yoke
To let the oppressed go free;
To break off every yoke.
7 It is to share your bread with the hungry,
And to take the wretched poor into your home;
When you see the naked, to clothe him,
And not to ignore your own kin.
8 Then shall your light burst through like the dawn
And your healing spring up quickly;
Your Vindicator shall march before you,
The Presence of the Lord shall be your rear guard.
9 Then, when you call, the Lord will answer;
When you cry, He will say: Here I am.
If you banish the yoke from your midst,
The menacing hand and evil speech,
10 And you offer your compassion to the hungry
And satisfy the famished creature —
The shall your light shine in darkness,
And your gloom shall be like noonday.
11 The Lord will guide you always;
He will slake your thirst in parched places
And give strength to your bones.
You shall be like a watered garden,
Like a spring whose waters do not fail.
12 Men from your midst shall rebuild ancient ruins,
you shall restore foundations laid long ago.
And you shall be called
"Repairer of fallen walls,
Restorer of lanes for habitation."

The Downside to the Top of the World

The downside to living at the top of the world is that once you leave, it's not easy getting back.

For the longest time I thought I had met "the Girl" for me, Diana. On our secret trip to New York I put a grass "wedding" ring on her finger with every intent of making it real someday. Wiser than I, she told me that it wouldn't solve the inevitable breakup resulting from our conflicting religions.

The first Friday of next month will mark the one year that Jess and I have been together. I love her and despite that I'm occasionally haunted with past stories, she loves me without reservation. This week I've been invited to join her family to visit their summer home and vacation spots on the east coast. It should be a fun trip where I learn both about her family, the dynamics of our relationship, and my own emotions. It's will also be the only vacation I've taken since my my trip with Diana.

Undoubtedly this vacation will be very different than the last, both in place and in spirit. I'm not the boy I used to be. I'm more cautious. I'm less outspoken about my dreams. Failed love hurt and still hurts.

While I can pontificate all night long about my self-imagined, new found, maturity, mostly, I'm just excited to be back in the game of life, its adventures, misadventures, ups, downs, and returns.

Off by a Little

As you can see from the last post, I was off with both time (2 mos) and severity (Only 5.8).

List of new experiences:

1.) Went to my first movie premiere (Mummy 3)

2.) Was promoted for the first time.

3.) Was invited by the President to join him for drinks

4.) First time I ever drank socially with a group of people that were all millionaires (Myself excluded. A problem I'm trying to rectify)

5.) I pitched my first LBO idea.

6.) I listened to my first live conference call.

7.) Someone bought 10,000 shares directly based on my stock recommendation

More experiences to come. Just need more time to write them down.

Maybe I'm just crazy

If there is a force... I feel it. We are due for a substantial earthquake soon.

Wowsers

It's been way to long since I last posted, but it's a reflection of how busy life has been. As an example, I'm waking up in 5 hours from now for work, but I felt compelled to write a few notes before going to bed.

1.) Life has been very busy and very full. I've had a lot of new firsts however I haven't had the time to digest them. (e.g. flying first class, and also the first time a financial times reporter called me to get the inside scoop on a story)

2.) I pitched a stock to the head of the Company, purely out of my own volition and free time, and subsequently it went up nearly 40% in less than three months. I hope that this may have impressed them as I'd very much like to be considered for a job transfer to the asset management division.

3.) I just had a wonder Passover Sedar with my Family and Jess. Jess and I got back together shortly after breaking up because I realized that she was very healthy for me, and that while I still miss Diana, given religion and geography, it just wouldn't work out right now. So while I miss her, you have to work with reality. While she took the quote down from her profile, "Keep moving forward." - W. Disney

4.) On that note, I look at Diana's facebook about once a month to see a.) if she's still single (I'm not sure if it's curiosity or masochism) b.) to see what she's still up to. I sincerely miss the conversations that entailed on our walks together, from finance to abstract mathematical theory. I'd like to surprise her by driving down to her school and meeting one day for coffee, but I hardly have the time of day for my own family let alone a 1-2 hour drive. Plus, I don't think Jess would be too happy with me. I would love to see her in her element teaching algebra! I'm tremendously proud.

5.) Things with Jess are very nice. She's a sweet heart and strives to be a successful artist on the side. I respect her initiative a great deal and she picks me up with an unrealistically optimistic spirit at times. From my limited introspection I've noticed that emotions towards her depend on my work load. If I'm working 80+ hours per week, I find that I'm not as attached to her, and I'm not as lovey dovy. However if it's under 80, I feel great and I love her like a boyfriend should. It's bizarre and it scares me that I go from boyfriend to stranger and back on what seems like a monthly basis purely based on the pressures at work and my inability to compartmentalize.

6.) Jonathan is going back to NY after visiting for Passover for the last few days and I'm truly sad that he's leaving. Given the workload, I had zero availability to spend any time with him outside of the dinner's with my entire family. While I'm not spending enough time with the people I love, I keep reminding myself that it's for a long-term goal. I wish I had someone to remind me at times, as Jess is a huge advocate of finding another job with better hours. It's hard to leave a firm that is benefiting from the ongoing recession as literally thousands of investment bankers are being laid off.

7.) Thank you Lord, for giving me such a rich life with caring family and friends.

And Sometimes You Just Need to Cry

I broke up with Jess today. I wasn't being true to her or myself. The worst part was that it's her birthday. I don't think I've ever felt like such a lousy person - but I'm also relieved.

Dear Lord, help me find myself.

Sometimes you just need to laugh...

http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/youdontmesswiththezohan/high.html

http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/forgettingsarahmarshall/large.html

Central Park

How do you tell someone that your biggest regret is not proposing to them when you had the chance? Or do you not say anything at all?

Life in Bullets - A lot of firsts

"The intellect should be the servant of the heart, but not its slave" - Comte


A lot has happened over the last few months:

- I've worked as an investment banker for nearly 6 months

- I've fallen for Jess. We're currently planning on starting two business together. One has to do with art, and the other finance. I have a third in mine with regard to charity.

- I've realized that I want to become the investment banking client more than I want to be the investment banker. (I want to own the company, not work for it. I need to take risks and seed any entrepreneurial ideas I can be part of.)

- A part of me still loves Delilah. I think about her daily and the random adventures we had. I never thanked her for making such a monumental impact on my life. It isn't really fair to her that while she's the one who changed me so significantly since college, she doesn't get to see it, and I'm very sorry that she can't. I'm sorry for how everything turned out, and I miss her.

- I just got back from my first business trip to Colorado.

- I ordered room service for the first time. (Chocolate cake and ice cream)

- I gave a tour of an $8 million dollar mansion in Beverly Hills.

- I missed my first holiday party.

- I got my first moving violation.

- I drove in snow for the first time.

- I've been a lousy friend to Mike and Heather. I haven't spoken to my extended family for over 2 months. I miss my family and friends.

- I missed my first wedding.

- I was a pallbearer at my first funeral. (Same day as the wedding)

- I worked on Yom Kippur.

- I worked on Thanksgiving.

- I failed the CFA for a second time. (Probably)

- I made my first financial model.

- I wrote my first stock research report (still in progress)

- I channel surfed for the first time in 6 months last week.

- "More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly." - Woody Allen

- I've never been more optimistic about people and the unexpected gifts in life. Thank you for being one of them.

Gravity Defied part I

"Success is getting what you want, and happiness is wanting what you get."

- W. Buffett

I'm absurdly happy; her name is Jess.

She meets the three criteria I'm looking for in a life partner:
1.) Jewish.
2.) Nurturing / Motherly / Wanting kids.
3.) Happy / Upbeat about life.

While I don't usually have enough time to plan or schedule formal dinner dates, she makes it work. For the last two months, Jess and I have gone on several brunch dates, exploring hidden culinary gems, while making life memories. My favorite so far has been the "Egg Scandia" at the Rose Cafe (fresh croissant with lox, poached eggs and hollandaise sauce with a blueberry muffin). Our brunch adventures also expands upon the list of restaurants I'd like to share with my out of town family. There's an ice cream shop I can't wait to take Heather to, and there are a few cafes near the Venice boardwalk that i have in mind for Mr. and Mrs. Banrock.

Jess also has awesome parents. They are very welcoming and I really enjoy spending time with them. Their house is beautiful and fitting for a famous screenplay writer. In the poker room next to library is "Dark Knight," the first multi-ball pinball machine. I wish my parents were as open minded as hers. My parents still haven't had her over for dinner but I guess that's the trade off for having "old school values," whatever that's supposed to mean. (I think it's a lousy excuse for being slow to welcome strangers into their lives. "The chains of habit are too light to be felt, until they're too heavy to be broken" -WB)

More to come....

Vibe...

I know I should feel excited about the week ahead, but for some unexplained reason I'm getting a really nasty vibe. Something's coming....

Or maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's just the culmination of my sadness marked by the anniversary of our first date....

Or maybe I'm just a little loopy.

Buffett Letter

That same summer I wrote a birthday letter to Buffett. July 18, 2003:

Mr. Warren E. Buffett
Chief Executive Officer
Berkshire Hathaway Inc.
1440 Kiewit Plaza
Omaha, Nebraska 68131

Dear Mr. Buffett;

From the reaction of my friends, I guess it’s unusual to hang a picture of a seventy-two, and soon to be seventy-three year old man, on my wall. Unlike my friends who have pictures of sunbathing beach babes, I have chosen one of my heroes.

After working on a mid-term paper into the night, and chugging five of the six Cherry Cokes in a pack, I looked up to see my inspiration. While I’m trying my best to follow in your tracks, I haven’t yet figured out how you were able to procrastinate on papers and study Ben Graham’s The Intelligent Investor, all while setting the curve on class exams. I may wish otherwise, but I most certainly don’t have the brainpower to imitate your undergraduate habits, and as Yogi Berra said, “If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.” Unable to answer the question myself, I gathered my courage and shareholder’s rights, sat in the second row of the annual Westco meeting and asked Mr. Munger the best way to follow his partner’s tracks. Your partner quipped that many young people ask how to become wealthy like him, only faster. Instead, slug it out, step-by-step everyday, suggested the Westco Chairman once the laughter subsided; this advice will do. True, your wealth probably won’t be achieved by someone with less candlepower but the wisdom is exact; everyone works according to their best light and, thankfully, the measure of our success doesn’t depend on a comparison with either you or Mr. Munger. Success depends on the careful execution of our life plan.

I cherish your teachings about character. For example, in my junior year of high school, I listed the traits that I found admirable and objectionable. Motivated by the fear of ruining a twenty-year reputation in five minutes, forging strong habits now becomes a bit easier. I’d rather read about other people’s blunders in the headlines, not my own. As a young man, practicing the right habits can be tough, but it is better to lay the foundation now than see the house tumble later. Like value investing, a successful character is the result of slow, patient attention; “faster” has nothing to do with it.”

So happy birthday, Mr. Buffett. A lifetime of patient investing in character and intrinsic value has yielded wealth, success and happiness. You’ve demonstrated the perfect mental model: Success is getting what you want, and happiness is wanting what you get. In my essay for the application to the University of California at Los Angeles, I compared your advice on the qualities of character to the teachings of another one of my heroes, basketball coach, John Wooden. I was accepted, and I’m tap dancing to each class.

Looking Back

I wrote this on July 3, 2003, the summer prior to starting UCLA. I was seventeen.

Losing Paradise

I’m losing paradise. As each day passes I’m one step closer to becoming a full-time college student. While the independence associated with entering a university is an exciting experience, the joys of childhood are left behind.

Despite the occasional order to clean my room or wash the dishes, my past seventeen years have seemed utopian. In an age of high divorce rates, domestic violence, and besieged family values, my parents carefully nurtured their children’s developing character. Accomplishments come easily swinging high above a secure parental safety net. As a child, the “menial” chores, cooking or laundry, seemed beneath my aspirations but perfectly suited to my parent’s indolent life. In my mind, high school was just as “tough” as my Dad’s work; perhaps he could work forever while I remained a child. Surprisingly, adulthood means shouldering menial chores that my parents have outgrown. So its “goodbye” to the safety net and “hello” university life, twenty page papers and cleaning my closet-sized dorm room.

With these newfound fears of independence, one quote by Abraham Lincoln relieves my mind: “ The worst thing you can do for those you love is the things they could and should do for themselves.” Lincoln was right; my university independence is best served if my parents are freed from the slavish devotion to my meals and laundry and allowed to relax with their own “menial” tasks.

I Think I'll Try Defying Gravity

I miss listening to her sing in the car.

I spoke with Heather this past weekend. I started complaining about my feelings for Delilah: "I hate the fact that there's someone out there that can completely shake-up my life."

Heather responded: There's a lot of things you can do in life, Charlie, but it's what you choose to do that defines you. If you let her mess up your life, that's your choice.

Timshel all over again. Heather is a great friend, but damn, she's smart too.

This is my life, and I'm choosing to dwell in the past rather than moving on. I don't think I'll ever be as enamored with anyone as much as I was with Delilah, but then again, we live in an Uncertain World.

They were wrong...

Everyone told me that after three months the nausea would go away. Four months later and I still hug the toilet bowl when a memory of her pops up.

Over dinner my Dad told me that for Succoth, the Jewish holiday, my cousins went rowing in Central Park. I had to excuse myself, as I almost started crying at the table. The pond in Central Park was where I was going to propose to her.

Big Shit

"If dating a girl in the office is like shitting where you eat, I just pinched a loaf on the dining room table."

When Delilah and I were dating I had zero respect for her ex, aptly named, "Man-Whore." After splitting with Delilah, he went on to hook-up with many chicas. Up until now, I never understood how a guy could sleep with dozens of women, and look at himself straight in the morning. I understand now. He was trying to find happiness, and settled for sex. Believe me, the quest for happiness is even harder when you're used to loving someone who's perfect for you.

Since splitting with Delilah I've been with two wonderful, understanding, Jewish girls, "Chef" and "Shorty." They both respected the ridiculous hours I work, and wanted to make it work. In short, we went on a few dates, they tried the kool-aid, and they left even more thirsty. But here's the catch: I'm not ready to move on. I already told Chef that it wouldn't be fair to her if we dated seeing that I still had feelings for Delilah. Shorty works in my office, and told me today that I'm the "silver-lining in her life." I know the healthy thing is for me to give Shorty a fresh try, but everything reminds me of Delilah. I'm just not getting over her. I miss nearly everything about her. I even miss the way she brushed her hair.

It still upsets me so much that she wasn't willing to try to make it work, yet here it is two girls that I go on a few dates with are willing to overcome obstacles to try and build a relationship. But she wasn't. She wasn't willing to make it work. She said no because she didn't love me as much as I loved her.

God Laughs

"Had my mother not died, there's a slim chance I would have been accepted to medical school." -My Dad

Paul died today. When I got home I cried thinking of the pain his wife and children must feel. Banrock's wedding is this Sunday, as is Paul's funeral.

"Men plan, God laughs."

Peace

Success is peace of mind from doing the best you can under the conditions that exist.

Paraphrasing John Wooden

She said no.

There was nothing more I could have offered.

I've done the best I can.

Why She's Worth It, A Few Reasons Why I Hope She Says 'Yes'

Given my willingness to make the sacrifices necessary to overcome a prior impasse, I left her a voice mail asking if we could get back together. It took me a few months to reach these conclusions and so I expect it'll take her at least a few days to reach her own. This is a major cross-roads in life, and I'm simultaneously excited about our potential future together and outright scared she'll say "no." While it's useful to document the thought process that has lead to these conclusions it also serves as a list for why I hope she says "yes." Bottom line is that I'm not asking her to marry me, I'm just saying that I'd like to keep dating without a deadline or a restricted potential.


Here goes, in no particular order and non-inclusive:

Why She's Worth it,
A Few Reasons Why I Hope She Says 'Yes'

Several of my life hero's would make this decision. If Warren had been Jewish, knowing that Susie was the love of his life, I bet that he'd have converted. (What would Warren Do?)

I'm finally thinking about what I want and how I can achieve it rather than how I can make other people happy.

Maybe it's naive, but I believe love can prevail. If we're madly in love 30+ years from now, it's extremely unlikely that either of us will have regretted our decisions. (Not to say I won't experience occasional pings of nostalgia or sadness.)

When we broke up, this would have been a decision I had made for her. Given my clarifying thoughts over the last few months, this decision is just as much for her, as it is for me. I don't feel any bitterness or anger directed towards her and I'm certainly not having the Sex in the City moment where I'd want to yell "I gave-up Jesus for you," except in reverse.

I believe in raising good children in a moral family. This isn't limited to Judaism.

Despite my hesitancy to raise a non-Jewish family, I actually like Christianity. It's been a great moralizing force for civilization. Jewish people could learn a lot about being nicer to their neighbors. We got a little lost in self-preservation and money making. That's one trait I seem to have down fine and I don't think I'll have trouble passing it, and hopefully not the proceeds, onto my own children.

I want to marry a woman committed to teaching values of responsibility, love and kindness.

I have very fond memories of going to the Easter Sermon with her. I really liked the lessons that were taught that day and I feel that my kids could really benefit from hearing the same things:

A.) Charity
B.) Most the noise in life comes from the shallow end
C.) Love thy neighbor
D.) We don't live in a perfect world, but it doesn't mean we should hold ourselves to lower standards

I can't remember the last time I went to Synagogue and months later still remembered key highlights.

She knelt before praying. I'd want my kids to see that type of respect and devotion to a higher spirit.

I can say the Prayers, but I don't understand the words. How can I pass a religion to my own kids if I don't understand the words? I don't really speak a word of Hebrew. I mix up all the stories. I don't want to be more Jewish, and I'm not making the time to learn.

On Friday nights, I "bench" after the meal with my family singing Hebrew songs I don't really understand. I like the tunes, the family connection, and the amazing foods but the words are, yet again, lost on me. Are these tunes effectively any different than saying grace in English? The main connections I have are through cultural observances and reading the text, in English, on a weekly basis. Of which, I have two additional thoughts:

A.) I'd like to read both the old and new testament with my own kids. My decision doesn't really effect this.

B.) I'm sad that I'd lose my Jewish cultural experiences, but I'll also gain new Christian ones. The morning excitement of Christmas sounds amazing as I can see myself smiling over at Her while our kids open up gifts under the tree.

The Garden of Eden

Honestly I'm scared. At the end of my senior year in college I realized that I didn't get enough of the life experiences I should have. I was always too worried about the immediate future that I couldn't think longer term. I never stopped to ask myself, will I regret these decisions two, five, ten or even twenty years from now? Since my senior year, I've been applying this time-acid test more frequently.

Investment banking is not easy, but will I regret working my ass off when I'm 25 or 30? I don't think so. I'll probably be happy that I put in my time, and paid my dues. Investment banking is a situation where the time-acid test works. But what if it doesn't? This is where it gets scary.

What if I know I'll regret a decision I'm actively making but I stick to it because the alternative is similarly terrible?

Finally when I realized that I should start living my life so I won't regret it, I'm forced to choose between mutually regrettable outcomes: Delilah or a Jewish family. I've walked away from Delilah, and I hate myself for doing it. I’m compromising personal happiness for religion. It’s the most difficult decision I’ve made in my life, and I'm starting to wonder if the reciprocal is just as bad.

I talked to Steve on the weekend and I told him I was seriously considering raising a non-Jewish family. If I made that decision, he asked, will I regret it when I’m 50? I responded, not as much as I’ll regret losing the love of my life at 21.

Now I’m really scared. Where do I go from here? Would She support me?

You just learn to live with it? I hate lemonade.

"You never get over it. You just learn to live with it. When my Mom died I was seventeen.... You never get over it. You just learn to live with it." These were the words my Dad said to Paul's wife, Toby, and then repeated back to me.

Recently, my family went to visit a friend, Paul, in the Kaiser Permanente, Intensive Care Unit (ICU). Paul always treated my brother and I with kindness and was close to my parents. He was one of three people that attended my parents wedding and he was a medical school buddy with my Dad. Unfortunately, his cancer has spread across his body and made its way into his lungs and throat. He also has pneumonia. Outside his room I saw him with tubes in his arms and down his throat. It scared me. He didn't look anything like the way I knew him from childhood memories. I didn't recognize him without a smile on his face.

My parents led the way into this room. My Dad and Mom helped him move his feet back unto his pillows. He was barely conscious, and had a blank stare that moved between the three of us. I felt like a scared kid. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do, and my parents did everything. My parents kept on saying, "Keep on fighting, Paul. You're so strong. Keep on fighting." His eyes barely open, he stared straight into me. What do you do when you're staring into someone's death? I don't have an answer, so I forced a smile.

When my Pop Pop told me that my visit would be the last time I saw him, we cried, we hugged and we smiled. It still brings tears to my eyes, thinking about him slowly waving from the front porch with his sunken eyes. The same eyes, that Paul had.

What's equally sad is what Paul leaves behind. While the experience must be very painful for my parents, it's tragic that he leaves behind a wife and two daughters, one in college and the other in high school. While I believe or at least hope that the twenties is the most difficult period in my life as I define myself through work and the companion I choose, (the naive understanding of course is that afterwards is smooth sailing) what are you supposed to do when you have to reset your life at 55? I'm 21 and it certainly puts bitching about my life in perspective. I can't begin to imagine the fear and pain that Paul's wife, Toby is experiencing. What is she supposed to do? How can she "learn to live with it?" Empty chairs and empty tables all over again.

...

Generally, I like the question that when life tosses a lemon, or in this case, a crate of lemons, how do you make lemonade? I see what's going on with Paul and his family and it's beautiful to see their friends showing support. My parents are being true friends and they're a role model for the commitments I should show to my partners. In short, while it's certainly no cosmic balance, I'm actively reflecting on this tragic event to show my appreciation for friends and family. It's petty, but it's an attempt. My mom wanted to play cards with me last night, and I really didn't have time, but I did anyways. She "beat" me. I kissed her on the fore-head when I said goodnight. I said the Shema with my dad every night that I saw him this past week. Lastly, I was lucky enough to speak with my brother on Friday night and Banrock, soon to be Mr. and Mrs. Banrock, on Saturday.

....


I spoke to Banrock on Saturday and told him that I wasn't going to be able to make it to his wedding. I feel like shit about it. If you're not making the time for life partners, who are you supposed to do it for? For a list of reasons, I can't. But here's where the story gets interesting. Banrock responded, "Charlie, I missed a lot of weddings in my time. Next time your out in Manhattan, you'll toast us." Wow, another example of Banrock giving better than he gets.

What an amazing friend. Instead of saying, "oh what a shame," or "I can't believe you can't make it especially given that you said you would," he makes an effort to make me feel less rotten about it. I'm so lucky to have such great partners and role models, and I'll do whatever I can to keep them.

Got off the phone...

So I just got off the phone with Delilah. It hurt at first. I talked to my parents. Unfortunately, my Dad, is more than a little thick headed on the whole issue. However, my Mom did share a very interesting story. Before marrying, my parents dated for about five years in Manhattan. My Dad broke up with my Mom when he left for California. Main reason being that my Mom refused to trek westward without a marriage proposal. So they split. And they were split for about 4 months. My Mom was heartbroken and my Dad was a bachelor. Despite the way Adam Sandler portrays bachelorhood in the movies, in life it sucks. I could write a whole post on bachelorhood and it limits, but one image should do the trick: 30-year old men going to college bars hoping to get lucky. (In contrast, I hope to have a least two kids by the time I'm 30, and I'm not talking about hook-ups with consequences.) It's not a pretty sight and it seriously scares the shit out of me. Back to my parents...At this point, my Dad realized he was being an idiot, apparently it runs in the family, and knowing that my mom was very special and nurturing, proposed. Happily ever after.

Back to Modern Era

It was a delight hearing her voice. I enjoyed opening up to her, and I really enjoyed that she was honest with me. For example...

She was very upset with me and I definitely didn't expect it. I didn't realize how much I had offended her by canceling our graduation plans. She was supposed to attend my graduation breakfast, and I was supposed to attend her ceremony. Instead, I canceled on both accounts. I wish I had the emotional fortitude to have gone, but what she didn't realize was that I completely broke down the day she graduated. I mourned all day. I sobbed all day. I cried in the shower, and the one time I walked out of my room I cried sitting in the park. I don't know what else I could have done.

She also hinted at the fact that since breaking up it's become more clear to her that she wouldn't convert. While this was the part that initially hurt when I got off the phone, it crystallizes the limits of our relationship and now brings a broad smile to my face. Louis, I think this may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Follow Up

Despite everything I've written about recognizing that Delilah's not the one for me, I still find myself hoping that she would convert. It's a thin line between missing her and everything else, but in truth, it's a blur. I miss everything we had and I'd do anything but convert to get it.

Having a partner is equal in importance to having a family. I can't sacrifice my family for her, and unfortunately, I can't ask her to do the same. Anything else, anything, would have been fair game. Whatever she'd want, I would have given. This emotional isolation is unbearable and I'm cracking at the seams. I need a partner, and we were perfect together.

I think I Love My Wife...

I only saw about five minutes of the movie but a great quote from it was:

"You can lose a lot of money by chasing women, but you'll never lose women by chasing money."

Flashbacks

When I let my mind drift, I have flashbacks of my Ex, “Delilah.” One school break, I drove down to Carlsbad, her home town. She was still working and I decided to surprise her. She was elated. While she didn’t get off work for at least another hour, I casually walked around the store while observing how she engaged customers. After she locked up, I practically jumped on her in a festering display of public affection. I was so enamored; it was one of the few times when she told me to hold off. After walking her to her car, I didn’t want to leave her. She understood, and she liked it. I was only too happy to give her my love, and she did the same for me.

Loving someone who loved me in return was one of the fullest "life" experiences I’ve had. (For future reference, now that it’s over, I can also say a few things: Bachelor life is over-rated and while I miss being in love, I know what to look forward to.) Remembering the emotions of loving someone higher than the sky is a memory I need to keep for a rainy day. It’s a great feeling and another reason to enjoy life.

While I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks of Delilah, I’m also forgetting them. I wish I could just write them all down, or copy them to a jump drive for later viewing. Unfortunately, I can’t. It makes me sad to think that a fleeting moment sitting on the toilet may be the last times I remember what was once a precious memory between lovers. Human nature is cruel: When I couldn’t forget these memories, they were too long and painful. Now that I’m starting to lose them, they’re too short and fading. Forgetting these are my true losses and as they said in "Swingers," I will miss the pain. The experiences are no different, but my emotions towards them have changed. They no longer reflect who I’ve lost, but how much I’ve gained.

Call

I called my Ex today. I didn't like that I was spending my free time thinking about the fact that I was waiting for her to call. I'd rather just make the call and say to myself, I called because I'm curious to hear how you're doing but I understand if you don't call me back.

If she calls back, great, we talk for a half hour, we catch up and that's that. No, "we have to get together sometime," or " would you like to catch up over lunch?" I have no ulterior motive of getting back together. I'm not looking to meet her and I accept that we probably won't date again. At this point, my call is the same reason that I speak to my other Ex: She was once a love, it didn't work out, maybe she can be a friend.

Then again, I understand if she doesn't call back. She may still miss me or maybe she thinks I still have feelings for her. I have a lot of feelings, especially for our memories together, but I don't miss her anymore. I miss having a companion. I miss waking up next to someone. I miss having someone to call at anytime, high or low. She was a great companion, but she's not for me.

Skot , My Ex, and a brief aside...

In my class of recently hired analysts there is a star pupil named "Skot."

Skot knows what he's supposed to do. Skot knows how to do it. And Skot does it very well.

In contrast, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how to do it. And I'm certainly not doing it very well.

As I learn and catch up, I hope to follow John Wooden's model. To paraphrase: success is peace of mind in doing the best you can under the conditions that exist. That's all I can do.

---

On a different front, I've been thinking much clearer about my Ex. For example, if she were interested in what was going on in my life she'd call. This thought should allay any temptation to contact her or indirectly update her on my life through some online venue like facebook or email. Similarly, as tempted as I've been, I shouldn't call her because I don't want to settle on friendship. I left the last email and the ball is in her court. Lastly, and probably most important, just because I believe that we would have had a wonderful marriage if she converted doesn't mean she does. If she converted, and it wasn't a great cost to her and her family, she would have. We would soon be married, and I'd have the companion I'm looking for in life. Bottom line is that she believes it would hurt her and her family and I shouldn't wish that on her, especially since she was once a partner in my life.


Also...

I'm still semi-surprised that I think about her in my free time. Almost the second I get into my car on the drive back, she pops into my head. She also rents my mind in the down moments on the weekend. A small part of it is that thinking about my Ex is so different compared to what I do most of the day. I also think the demands of the job lead me to wanting a life partner even more than usual. At the end of a sixteen hour day, I'd love to decompress with a hug followed by a shower, a warm meal and talking over dessert. Maybe I miss the companionship more than the individual. After all, it's nice to cuddle and wake up next to a companion on a regular basis. In due time, not only will I have more life experiences, but I'll ultimately marry someone who makes me happy and hopefully, I can make proud.

Three Phases...

So far in my remembered life I've had two stages:

1. Nerd (Which was way too long)

2. Playboy / King (Which was way too short)

Now I've begun the third:

Machine

Finished 2nd Wk and I'm acting like a Bitch

It's intense. The hours, the sleep and the meals. Every second counts. Like any other performance based job, you stay as late as you need to finish the project(s). Sleep can be compensated with Redbull. The meals, well, I feel like I'm degenerating every time; at the desk and wolfed in under 5 minutes.

...

At the same time, I'm turning into a machine. Soon I'll be a Financial Wizard. A lot will change over the next two years in the Analyst program. Where will I be? Buyside or sellside? Who will I be? Will I still miss Her? Will I have found someone else? Will I still be lonely? Looking back will I say to myself that I made worthwhile goals? Did I actually make good money? Am I closer to where ever I'm looking to go? Am I a better or bitter person?

...

I don't want to be a friendless, money machine. Despite my intentions, that's just the way my life seems to be heading. K, H, J, and C are all on or leaving to the East. I call H at least once a week and she rarely returns my call. I guess she no longer wants to talk to me. That's what I get for being brutally honest and I regret it. C, my middle school chum is moving off to Virginia. Virginia? Seriously? Wow, I'm not going to see him for a long time. M is preparing for "professional" school. It takes a lot of work but I think he can do it. K is going to get married in Sept but I don't even know if I can make it to his wedding b/c there's a holiday the day before and work is unlikely to let me off the hook. Lastly, She and I are still in the "radio silence" phase.

...

Last night I dreamed that we got back together. It was raining and we where in the countryside. Nothing sensual. She seemed to say "Yes, for the rest of your life I'm going to be with you...your partner and companion." Morning was brutal.

...

Three Motrin later, followed by two walks in the park, and I'm ready for Sunday. Work in the morning and if I have free time, CFA. In reality, I shouldn't be bitching. I have an amazing job. It's tough, but I'm very well paid and I'm learning a lot. Perhaps it would be easier if I didn't realize I was changing.

...

To paraphrase Munger, there's nothing worse than self-pity. I need to get over it, and keep on chugging.

Elysian Fields

My whole family is there. My wife, children, parents, in-laws, and siblings. It's a weekend afternoon and we sit on a red and white checkered towel. It's a delicious picnic. Our recently born daughter, the younger of two, cries when her mother hands her to me. I beam as I hold her and look into her beautiful face. I make a joke to Wife saying, " She was with you, and now she's stuck with me. Can you really blame her for crying?" She's heard it before, but she still laughs and smiles. She's heard all my little phrases but she still enjoys them. She's as happy as I am to have our family here today in the park. The sun is warm, the shade is refreshing and the ocean breeze is paradise.

...

It's lovely to watch our parents play with our children. It gives us a moment to eat and drink. We're sitting on the grass next to each other with our legs stretched out in front of us and our supporting arms straight behind. She sits beside me. I turn my neck to the left and we both lean in. I whisper into her ear, "I love you." She rights Herself and turns to look at me. She's beaming. She's heard it a million times before, but each time is as true as the first. I love Her unconditionally. We baby kiss. We are expecting another in 8 months.

It's going to be ok...

I need to choose which outcome will occur, and live by it.

...

The choice is made...

She is not coming back.

I will not call her.

I will probably never see her again.

Act accordingly.

3 Comforts, 3 Outcomes, 2 Thoughts

Comforts...

1. I will be alone throughout my life, but I should never feel lonely. I am blessed with friends and family who share mutual love.

2. I will someday meet and marry a beautiful woman who will be everything I want in a partner.

3. If She doesn't come back, it was for the better. We would have had a failed and strained marriage given our religious and cultural impasse.



Outcomes...

1. She starts dating, and eventually finds someone that she can settle down with. While many dates are losers, she doesn't consider coming back to me because leaving her family culture would be too much of a sacrifice. It's the same reason I don't go back to her. I start work. She starts work. She forgets about me, I forget about her. Work helps me forget. I move on after seeing that she moved on.

...

Everyone is happy.

2. She starts dating. Within a month or two, she even sleeps with a hunk. She recognizes the consequences and wonders if she'll call me like she promised. She doesn't. It was good and she enjoyed it. They'll do it again. He's not perfect, but hey, neither is she. They're not perfect together. He becomes her official "boyfriend." Slowly, his annoyances wear on her. She realizes that I'm worth the sacrifice. She says yet again, that we're "perfect for each other" and she calls me. She cries that she missed me. I cry and tell her that I missed her. I have to get over the fact that she slept with someone else. I do. We book tickets to New York. I save my salary to buy her the ring she deserves. We marry. Everyone is happy.


3. She starts dating. Three months of dating losers and she gives up. Three months of not talking to me and she realizes that I'm worth the family sacrifice. She calls me. Everyone is happy. (For completeness I'd suggest a fourth possibility where she comes back but I've already forgotten her, but I don't want to be ridiculous. I'm only including realistic scenarios.)

Thoughts

1. Number 1 is the most likely scenario. At this time, I don't know how I end up happy. But it doens't matter yet. At least she does. I doubt this will be on my mind once I start work. At this time I'm very sad.

2. Somehow, no matter what, everyone ends up happy.... Yeah, and I'm the next Warren Buffett... I think this is absolute bullshit. Maybe one day it'll come true, but today's not that day and tomorrow's not looking so good either.

Eventually...

Eventually you start to say...

"Tis better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all."

Update...

6/19/07

It's been 5 days since I spoke to Her. I quit, cold-turkey, and it's extremely difficult going through life without Her. We both made this decision; she won't leave her family and I refuse to leave mine. I wish this wasn't so hard but I still miss Her and I love Her.

The last seven months were the best in my life. It was my opportunity to have the college experience I never had. It was amazing. The next two years, I aim to tap the potential of how much I can learn as a banker.

The End. A Beginning...

6/14/07

It's Thursday of finals week in Spring quarter. Girls are wearing summer dresses and despite the heat, there's a cooling breeze. Mike and I are going out tonight to party. It feels like this may be the first time we actually party like college kids. He has no MCAT to study for, and I have no job interviews. While I'm very excited about tonight, it feels like I'm unsuccessfully chasing a forgotten dream. The kids have gone home, the party is over and finally I'm ready for the life I chose to avoid.

I entered college striving to be better than everyone else. I didn't party, I didn't drink, and I aced my classes. I'm graduating with a 3.9 GPA, a job, and a few life partners. With these accolades, many would say, "mission accomplished." I'd say I barely tapped the potential. While Heather and Mike are both life-long friends, I didn't meet enough people. Most of my time was spent sober in my dormroom trying to improve my mind. From these past few months I've realized there's just as much to learn from life experiences as there's from books. She once said, "I'm a better man," for having not been irresponsible during my college years. I hope She's right.

While I can't redo these last four years, I can strive for more life experiences in the future. While investment banking isn't known for easy hours, my free time spent away from studying the CFA should be dedicated towards enriching my life memories: Explore Los Angeles, date, have fun and make more friendships. My dreams of family, and material comfort will be even richer if I pursue these goals.

The Lord's Struggle...

Chapter 14, verse 2

"If only we had died in the land of Egypt, or if only we had died in this Wilderness! Why is the Lord bringing us to this Land to die by the sword? Our wives and young children will be taken captive! Is it not better for us to return to Egypt?"
So they said to one another, "Let us appoint a leader and let us return to Egypt!"

Verse 11

Hashem said to Moses, "How long will this people provoke Me, and how long will they not have faith in Me, despite all the signs that I have performed in their midst? I will smite them with the plague and annihilate them, and I shall make you a greater and more powerful nation than they."

Moses said to Hashem, "Then Egypt, from whose midst You brought up this nation with Your power, will hear, and they will say about the inhabitants of this Land, 'They have heard that You, Hashem, are in the midst of this people -- that You, Hashem, appeared eye to eye and Your cloud stands over them, and that in a pillar of cloud You go before them by day and in a pillar of fire at night -- yet You killed this people like a single man!' Then the natios that heard of Your fame will say, 'Because Hashem lacked the ability to bring this people to the Land that He had sworn to give them, He slaughtered them in the Wilderness.' And now -- may the strength of my Lord be magnified as You have spoken, saying, 'Hashem, Slow to Anger, Abundant in Kindness, Forgiver of Iniquity and Willful Sin, and Who cleanses -- but does not cleanse completely, recalling the iniquity of parents upon children to the third and fourth generations' -- forgive now the iniquity of this people according to the greatness of Your kindness and as You have forgiven this people from Egypt until now."


...

Thoughts

In this portion The Lord is upset with a very fickle people. Despite perpetual miracles, the people lack faith. The Lord has two polar choices. At first, in a fit of rage, the inclination is to destroy the people and restart with Moses. The other choice is to react, "slow to anger" and forgive the people. While in the end a compromise is chosen, as the people are simultaneously forgiven to live, and condemned to wandering, what can we learn from the Lord's Struggle?

Is Holiness achieved through forgiveness? Is Holiness achieved through choosing the harder, and often emotionally constrained path? Perhaps curbing our emotions brings us one step closer to a righteous life. We were created in the Lord's Image, and we too must struggle with our emotions.

Break-Up...

On June 3rd, at 1:45 PM, we finally broke up.

The last seven months were beautiful. Truly among my happiest. It's a funny thing what people do for religion...

Now, with a seemingly insurmountable temptation to share word of both love and sorrow, I must remember what drove us to our separation: an impasse. I believe in raising a Jewish family, and she is not willing to convert.

Coping...

I read this in "The Templeton Plan," back in either late middle or early high school. On page 51:

Author Jacob Korsaren gave this advice: "If you are poor, work. If you are burdened with seemingly unfair responsibilities, work. If you are happy, work. Idleness gives room for doubts and fear. If disappointments come, keep right on working. If sorrow overwhelms you and loved ones seem not true, work. If health is threatened, work. When faith falters and reason fails, just work. When dreams are shattered and hope seems dead, work. Work as if your life were in peril. It really is. No matter what ails you, work. Work faithfully -- work with faith. Work is the greatest remedy available for both mental and physical afflictions."

Munger

Commencement Address at USC law. Starts approx min 43 and may only work on internet explorer...


http://lawmedia.usc.edu/LawMedia4/Viewer/Viewers/Viewer320TR.aspx?mode=Default&peid=9fbec034-0c5a-45f7-bde5-c65e3caef827&pid=4f6df1cd-b2eb-4ddf-9890-9c2846944cf5&playerType=WM7

Some Mungerisms:

"Wisdom acquisition is a moral duty."

"Assandoity"- To paraphrase, it means to sit on your ass and just do it.

East of Eden

Banrock recommended Steinbeck's East of Eden and I absolutely loved it. The following are several passages I thorougly enjoyed:

"The American Standard translation orders men to triumph over sin, and you can call sin ignorance. The King James translation makes a promise in ‘Thou shalt,’ meaning that men will surely triumph over sin. But the Hebrew word, the word timshel—‘Thou mayest’— that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on man." (pg. 629)

"And I feel that a man is a very important thing -- maybe more important than a star. This is not theology. I have no bent toward gods. But I have a new love for that glittering instrument, the human soul. It is a lovely and unique thing in the universe. It is always attacked and never destroyed -- because 'Thou mayest.'" (pg. 630)

American society?:

"Maybe everyone is too rich. I have noticed that there is no dissatisfaction like that of the rich. Feed a man, clothe him, put him in a good house, and he will die of despair." (pg. 635)

"'Thou mayest rule over sin,' Lee. That's it. I do not believe all men are destroyed. I can name you a dozen who were not, and they are the ones the world lives by. It is true of the spirit as it is ture of battles -- only the winners are remembered. Surely, most men are destroyed, but there are others who like pillars of fire guide frightened men through the darkness. 'Thou mayest, Thou mayest!'What glory! It is true that we are weak and sick and quarrelsome, but if that is all we ever were, we would, millenniums ago, have disappeared from the face of tthe earth. A few remnants of fossilized jawbone, some broken teeth in strata of limesone, would be the only mark man would have left of his existence in the world. But the choice, Lee, the choice of winning! I had never understood it or accepted it before. Do you see now why I told Adam tonight? I exercised the choice. Maybe I was wrong but by telling him I also forced him to live or get off the pot." (pg. 635-636)

Yesterday, the Prom I Never Had...

Remember how angry you were at Her. Too drunk to turnaround the evening, she only offers excuses now. "I was trying to relieve the tension. I was trying to make it easier." And you put up with this crap because you love her and you ask her if she does the same: "sometimes." Sometimes? Are you out of your fucking mind? Despite the mild hangover she's starting to play a little nicer in the morning. "I've always loved you. I just didn't know what I was saying." Then she wonders why I'm "difficult to talk to" over breakfast. I buy her breakfast after the night from hell, and I'm difficult to talk to? Wow-ee, imagine that. She woke me up at 5:40 AM to find her cell phone, and then at 6:30 she tells me I should go back to sleep after venting about frustrations from the night before. Surprisingly, I can't sleep. She was supposed to text her Mom when she got back to her apartment. Apparently, I'm not the only one she disappoints.

We lie in bed. She tells me: "You're suppressing you're feelings." How about this: you may have just disappointed me for the last time? How's that sound? For a few moments, I'm ready to break up. It's the warmest feeling I've had in the last 24 hours. She doesn't understand why I'm smiling. Honestly, is this child supposed to be my life partner? My friend? She fucked up big time.

Earlier that week, I planned a date in Hollywood. We have an amazing chocolate malt shake and peppermint sundae. We watch a movie I promised we would see together that was no longer playing pretty much everywhere else. I keep it a surprise until arrival and we both have a blast. To top it off, we both laugh like kids: It's a Disney flick in 3D!

Yesterday, everything had been planned by someone else: transportation, location, and food, yet she blows it, big time. Drunk before arrival, obnoxious after. She's falling asleep at the table. Her head keeps bobbing. Now she's nauseous. She goes to the bathroom three times in the first hour. She says she's feeling sick. Ten minutes later, no, I'm not feeling sick, I'm actually just really confused about our relationship.

...

Really? Wow, fantastic timing. Why don't we wait until Formal to discuss whatever has been worrying you? So there I am, dead sober, standing in the rain, she just canceled on a cab that arrived for her, we're having an issue about our relationship and then she tells me "you make everything an uphill battle." This was supposed to be the prom I never had. It meant a lot to both of us and she blew it.

...

The next morning, I drop her off, probably late to class. Originally, I couldn't pull out of her driveway because her roommate's friend's car is blocking mine. Luckily, she has a key. Wait a second, you guessed it, another fuck up. She can't start the car. "Do you mind waiting until I come back from class?..Why do you look angry? Why are you..."

I'm sore. She knows. Will I talk to her later, "possibly." Asking for an apology isn't going to do us any good. She's loose with apologies. This time, I don't ask for an apology. "Don't call me until you're ready to move forward with an upbeat view of our relationship. Or, if you want to end it."

...

Half hour later, I get a text message: Does texting count as calling?

...

Alone

Maybe a bit extreme but Pascal once said:

"All man's miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone."

I should read more instead of thinking about what I'm missing. Spending $25+ bar hopping seems a bit overrated in my book. Is that really a good way to meet people?

Einstein on Religion from Time Mag.

"Try and penetrate with our limited means the secrets of nature and you will find that, behind all the discernible laws and connections, there remains something subtle, intangible and inexplicable. Veneration for this force beyond anything that we can comprehend is my religion."

"The most beautiful emotion we can experience is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of all true art and science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead, a snuffed-out candle. To sense that behind anything that can be experienced there is something that our minds cannot grasp, whose beauty and sublimity reaches us only indirectly: this is religiousness. In this sense, and in this sense only, I am a devoutly religious man."

Schopenhauer once said: "A man can do as he wills, but not will as he wills."

Seneca Quotes...

"A single example of extravagance or greed does a lot of harm -- an intimate who leads a pampered life gradually makes on soft and flabby; a wealthy neighbor provokes cravings in one; a companion with a malicious nature tends to rub off some of his rust even on someone of an innocent and open-hearted nature -- what then do you imagine the effect on a person's character is when the assault comes from the world at large? You must inevitably either hate or imitate the world. But the right thing is to shun both courses: you should neither become like the bad because they are many, nor be an enemy of the many because they are unlike you. Retire into yourself as much as you can. Associate with people whom are likely to improve you."

"Inwardly everything should be different but our outward face should conform with the crowd."

"A balanced combination of the two attitudes is what we want; the active man should be able to take things easily, while the man who is inclined towards repose should be capable of action."

Quoting Hecato:'If you wish to be loved, love.'

Solon's Warning...

"The observation of the numerous misfortunes that attend all conditions forbids us to grow insolent upon our present enjoyments, or to admire a man's happiness that may yet, in course of time, suffer change. For the uncertain future has yet to come, with all variety of future; and him only to whom the divinity has [guaranteed] continued happiness until the end we may call happy."

Mr. Motional

A friend of mine, we'll call him "Mr. Motional," had a very rough day today. He found out his girl friend may have Chlamydia. This is what he wrote.

Dear Lover,

I'm so upset. I hate how you've been with so many people. So many boys, underserving boys, have seen you... had you. I don't know if I can get over it. Everyday it bothers me that you would settle for a diseased loser just to satisfy a sexual wanting.

You're unmotivated and a lousy student. You're beautiful and reckless. Cute but incompetent. A heart warmer, and a heart breaker. I love you because you give whole-heartedly without reservation. But today, as I worry about losing my virginity to some venereal disease, I wonder how many else? Why?

You're slept with over 6 boys. Probably fondled close to 30 and you've kissed upwards of 80. Don't you have any self control? What can explain this blatant lack of discipline? Blame it on the environment. Blame it on the sorority. Blame it on any excuse, but in the end, this is your life and your decisions.

Its ok if you make lousy decisions. Its ok if you screw up and you're the only person hurt. Its ok if you spend your college years legs-wide, walking no where. But now, you've made a decision that effects more than 1 person, and it hurts. It hurts because it has diminished our partnership. I want to end our relationship, but I know that I can look past this blemish and keep loving you.

Yours,

E