Standing in my room. Over a year since I last spoke to Her, and longer since I was in Her presence. We talk but nothing is said. Those feelings from our breakup go rushing through my chest. She's right here. I'm looking at Her, Her face, Her freckles, Her hair. I smell Her scent.
I wake up.
My head is pounding and I'm in a cold sweat. It's 3:15 AM, 15 minutes before my clock alarm. Another day where I'm reminded of what was and what could have been. Do I miss Her, or just the ideals she meant to me? Youth, freedom and exploration, puppy superbowls and unconditional love. Either way, like the dream, she's gone.
The alarm buzzes.
I stumble towards the bathroom trying not to wake Jess. I whisper to Jess that I love her, and in 10 minutes the dream has passed, my hair is slicked to the side, and I'm zooming 74 mph, on cruise control, heading to Commerce.
It's 4:02AM as I park in the empty lot. I'm the first into work, the way I like it, and my desk is covered with reports. By 4:30PM I've had 4 packets of microwaveable oatmeal, 5 cups of water, 9 ice cubes, and 2 cups of carrot ginger soup. I'm trying to lose weight. That said, my real appetite is in researching companies. I've looked at 4 banks, 1 brokerage and 1 non-residential construction company. Nothing can be more interesting and I'm completely devoted.
I heard a story today that a man 10-15 years my senior is looking to change jobs. He was offered a job at a top firm with a base $1MM in cash.... He turned it down. Welcome to the aquarium.
As I drive home, I start floating back to reality. Is this Million Dollar Man happy with his life? Does he go home and greet his wife and children with joy? Doesn't he know that a happy life is not unconditional wealth, but unconditional love?
In that moment, I realize that I've lost something.
I think back to Diana. I'm looking at her. Her hair, Her face, Her dimples but something has faded. As I try to recollect her every last detail, I realize it's hopeless. Her scent is gone, and the dream has vanished.