Sunday, July 29, 2007

Three Phases...

So far in my remembered life I've had two stages:

1. Nerd (Which was way too long)

2. Playboy / King (Which was way too short)

Now I've begun the third:


Saturday, July 28, 2007

Finished 2nd Wk and I'm acting like a Bitch

It's intense. The hours, the sleep and the meals. Every second counts. Like any other performance based job, you stay as late as you need to finish the project(s). Sleep can be compensated with Redbull. The meals, well, I feel like I'm degenerating every time; at the desk and wolfed in under 5 minutes.


At the same time, I'm turning into a machine. Soon I'll be a Financial Wizard. A lot will change over the next two years in the Analyst program. Where will I be? Buyside or sellside? Who will I be? Will I still miss Her? Will I have found someone else? Will I still be lonely? Looking back will I say to myself that I made worthwhile goals? Did I actually make good money? Am I closer to where ever I'm looking to go? Am I a better or bitter person?


I don't want to be a friendless, money machine. Despite my intentions, that's just the way my life seems to be heading. K, H, J, and C are all on or leaving to the East. I call H at least once a week and she rarely returns my call. I guess she no longer wants to talk to me. That's what I get for being brutally honest and I regret it. C, my middle school chum is moving off to Virginia. Virginia? Seriously? Wow, I'm not going to see him for a long time. M is preparing for "professional" school. It takes a lot of work but I think he can do it. K is going to get married in Sept but I don't even know if I can make it to his wedding b/c there's a holiday the day before and work is unlikely to let me off the hook. Lastly, She and I are still in the "radio silence" phase.


Last night I dreamed that we got back together. It was raining and we where in the countryside. Nothing sensual. She seemed to say "Yes, for the rest of your life I'm going to be with you...your partner and companion." Morning was brutal.


Three Motrin later, followed by two walks in the park, and I'm ready for Sunday. Work in the morning and if I have free time, CFA. In reality, I shouldn't be bitching. I have an amazing job. It's tough, but I'm very well paid and I'm learning a lot. Perhaps it would be easier if I didn't realize I was changing.


To paraphrase Munger, there's nothing worse than self-pity. I need to get over it, and keep on chugging.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Elysian Fields

My whole family is there. My wife, children, parents, in-laws, and siblings. It's a weekend afternoon and we sit on a red and white checkered towel. It's a delicious picnic. Our recently born daughter, the younger of two, cries when her mother hands her to me. I beam as I hold her and look into her beautiful face. I make a joke to Wife saying, " She was with you, and now she's stuck with me. Can you really blame her for crying?" She's heard it before, but she still laughs and smiles. She's heard all my little phrases but she still enjoys them. She's as happy as I am to have our family here today in the park. The sun is warm, the shade is refreshing and the ocean breeze is paradise.


It's lovely to watch our parents play with our children. It gives us a moment to eat and drink. We're sitting on the grass next to each other with our legs stretched out in front of us and our supporting arms straight behind. She sits beside me. I turn my neck to the left and we both lean in. I whisper into her ear, "I love you." She rights Herself and turns to look at me. She's beaming. She's heard it a million times before, but each time is as true as the first. I love Her unconditionally. We baby kiss. We are expecting another in 8 months.

Monday, July 09, 2007

It's going to be ok...

I need to choose which outcome will occur, and live by it.


The choice is made...

She is not coming back.

I will not call her.

I will probably never see her again.

Act accordingly.

Friday, July 06, 2007

3 Comforts, 3 Outcomes, 2 Thoughts


1. I will be alone throughout my life, but I should never feel lonely. I am blessed with friends and family who share mutual love.

2. I will someday meet and marry a beautiful woman who will be everything I want in a partner.

3. If She doesn't come back, it was for the better. We would have had a failed and strained marriage given our religious and cultural impasse.


1. She starts dating, and eventually finds someone that she can settle down with. While many dates are losers, she doesn't consider coming back to me because leaving her family culture would be too much of a sacrifice. It's the same reason I don't go back to her. I start work. She starts work. She forgets about me, I forget about her. Work helps me forget. I move on after seeing that she moved on.


Everyone is happy.

2. She starts dating. Within a month or two, she even sleeps with a hunk. She recognizes the consequences and wonders if she'll call me like she promised. She doesn't. It was good and she enjoyed it. They'll do it again. He's not perfect, but hey, neither is she. They're not perfect together. He becomes her official "boyfriend." Slowly, his annoyances wear on her. She realizes that I'm worth the sacrifice. She says yet again, that we're "perfect for each other" and she calls me. She cries that she missed me. I cry and tell her that I missed her. I have to get over the fact that she slept with someone else. I do. We book tickets to New York. I save my salary to buy her the ring she deserves. We marry. Everyone is happy.

3. She starts dating. Three months of dating losers and she gives up. Three months of not talking to me and she realizes that I'm worth the family sacrifice. She calls me. Everyone is happy. (For completeness I'd suggest a fourth possibility where she comes back but I've already forgotten her, but I don't want to be ridiculous. I'm only including realistic scenarios.)


1. Number 1 is the most likely scenario. At this time, I don't know how I end up happy. But it doens't matter yet. At least she does. I doubt this will be on my mind once I start work. At this time I'm very sad.

2. Somehow, no matter what, everyone ends up happy.... Yeah, and I'm the next Warren Buffett... I think this is absolute bullshit. Maybe one day it'll come true, but today's not that day and tomorrow's not looking so good either.