Sunday, September 30, 2007

They were wrong...

Everyone told me that after three months the nausea would go away. Four months later and I still hug the toilet bowl when a memory of her pops up.

Over dinner my Dad told me that for Succoth, the Jewish holiday, my cousins went rowing in Central Park. I had to excuse myself, as I almost started crying at the table. The pond in Central Park was where I was going to propose to her.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Big Shit

"If dating a girl in the office is like shitting where you eat, I just pinched a loaf on the dining room table."

When Delilah and I were dating I had zero respect for her ex, aptly named, "Man-Whore." After splitting with Delilah, he went on to hook-up with many chicas. Up until now, I never understood how a guy could sleep with dozens of women, and look at himself straight in the morning. I understand now. He was trying to find happiness, and settled for sex. Believe me, the quest for happiness is even harder when you're used to loving someone who's perfect for you.

Since splitting with Delilah I've been with two wonderful, understanding, Jewish girls, "Chef" and "Shorty." They both respected the ridiculous hours I work, and wanted to make it work. In short, we went on a few dates, they tried the kool-aid, and they left even more thirsty. But here's the catch: I'm not ready to move on. I already told Chef that it wouldn't be fair to her if we dated seeing that I still had feelings for Delilah. Shorty works in my office, and told me today that I'm the "silver-lining in her life." I know the healthy thing is for me to give Shorty a fresh try, but everything reminds me of Delilah. I'm just not getting over her. I miss nearly everything about her. I even miss the way she brushed her hair.

It still upsets me so much that she wasn't willing to try to make it work, yet here it is two girls that I go on a few dates with are willing to overcome obstacles to try and build a relationship. But she wasn't. She wasn't willing to make it work. She said no because she didn't love me as much as I loved her.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

God Laughs

"Had my mother not died, there's a slim chance I would have been accepted to medical school." -My Dad

Paul died today. When I got home I cried thinking of the pain his wife and children must feel. Banrock's wedding is this Sunday, as is Paul's funeral.

"Men plan, God laughs."

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


Success is peace of mind from doing the best you can under the conditions that exist.

Paraphrasing John Wooden

She said no.

There was nothing more I could have offered.

I've done the best I can.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Why She's Worth It, A Few Reasons Why I Hope She Says 'Yes'

Given my willingness to make the sacrifices necessary to overcome a prior impasse, I left her a voice mail asking if we could get back together. It took me a few months to reach these conclusions and so I expect it'll take her at least a few days to reach her own. This is a major cross-roads in life, and I'm simultaneously excited about our potential future together and outright scared she'll say "no." While it's useful to document the thought process that has lead to these conclusions it also serves as a list for why I hope she says "yes." Bottom line is that I'm not asking her to marry me, I'm just saying that I'd like to keep dating without a deadline or a restricted potential.

Here goes, in no particular order and non-inclusive:

Why She's Worth it,
A Few Reasons Why I Hope She Says 'Yes'

Several of my life hero's would make this decision. If Warren had been Jewish, knowing that Susie was the love of his life, I bet that he'd have converted. (What would Warren Do?)

I'm finally thinking about what I want and how I can achieve it rather than how I can make other people happy.

Maybe it's naive, but I believe love can prevail. If we're madly in love 30+ years from now, it's extremely unlikely that either of us will have regretted our decisions. (Not to say I won't experience occasional pings of nostalgia or sadness.)

When we broke up, this would have been a decision I had made for her. Given my clarifying thoughts over the last few months, this decision is just as much for her, as it is for me. I don't feel any bitterness or anger directed towards her and I'm certainly not having the Sex in the City moment where I'd want to yell "I gave-up Jesus for you," except in reverse.

I believe in raising good children in a moral family. This isn't limited to Judaism.

Despite my hesitancy to raise a non-Jewish family, I actually like Christianity. It's been a great moralizing force for civilization. Jewish people could learn a lot about being nicer to their neighbors. We got a little lost in self-preservation and money making. That's one trait I seem to have down fine and I don't think I'll have trouble passing it, and hopefully not the proceeds, onto my own children.

I want to marry a woman committed to teaching values of responsibility, love and kindness.

I have very fond memories of going to the Easter Sermon with her. I really liked the lessons that were taught that day and I feel that my kids could really benefit from hearing the same things:

A.) Charity
B.) Most the noise in life comes from the shallow end
C.) Love thy neighbor
D.) We don't live in a perfect world, but it doesn't mean we should hold ourselves to lower standards

I can't remember the last time I went to Synagogue and months later still remembered key highlights.

She knelt before praying. I'd want my kids to see that type of respect and devotion to a higher spirit.

I can say the Prayers, but I don't understand the words. How can I pass a religion to my own kids if I don't understand the words? I don't really speak a word of Hebrew. I mix up all the stories. I don't want to be more Jewish, and I'm not making the time to learn.

On Friday nights, I "bench" after the meal with my family singing Hebrew songs I don't really understand. I like the tunes, the family connection, and the amazing foods but the words are, yet again, lost on me. Are these tunes effectively any different than saying grace in English? The main connections I have are through cultural observances and reading the text, in English, on a weekly basis. Of which, I have two additional thoughts:

A.) I'd like to read both the old and new testament with my own kids. My decision doesn't really effect this.

B.) I'm sad that I'd lose my Jewish cultural experiences, but I'll also gain new Christian ones. The morning excitement of Christmas sounds amazing as I can see myself smiling over at Her while our kids open up gifts under the tree.