Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Garden of Eden

Honestly I'm scared. At the end of my senior year in college I realized that I didn't get enough of the life experiences I should have. I was always too worried about the immediate future that I couldn't think longer term. I never stopped to ask myself, will I regret these decisions two, five, ten or even twenty years from now? Since my senior year, I've been applying this time-acid test more frequently.

Investment banking is not easy, but will I regret working my ass off when I'm 25 or 30? I don't think so. I'll probably be happy that I put in my time, and paid my dues. Investment banking is a situation where the time-acid test works. But what if it doesn't? This is where it gets scary.

What if I know I'll regret a decision I'm actively making but I stick to it because the alternative is similarly terrible?

Finally when I realized that I should start living my life so I won't regret it, I'm forced to choose between mutually regrettable outcomes: Delilah or a Jewish family. I've walked away from Delilah, and I hate myself for doing it. I’m compromising personal happiness for religion. It’s the most difficult decision I’ve made in my life, and I'm starting to wonder if the reciprocal is just as bad.

I talked to Steve on the weekend and I told him I was seriously considering raising a non-Jewish family. If I made that decision, he asked, will I regret it when I’m 50? I responded, not as much as I’ll regret losing the love of my life at 21.

Now I’m really scared. Where do I go from here? Would She support me?

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