In my class of recently hired analysts there is a star pupil named "Skot."
Skot knows what he's supposed to do. Skot knows how to do it. And Skot does it very well.
In contrast, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how to do it. And I'm certainly not doing it very well.
As I learn and catch up, I hope to follow John Wooden's model. To paraphrase: success is peace of mind in doing the best you can under the conditions that exist. That's all I can do.
On a different front, I've been thinking much clearer about my Ex. For example, if she were interested in what was going on in my life she'd call. This thought should allay any temptation to contact her or indirectly update her on my life through some online venue like facebook or email. Similarly, as tempted as I've been, I shouldn't call her because I don't want to settle on friendship. I left the last email and the ball is in her court. Lastly, and probably most important, just because I believe that we would have had a wonderful marriage if she converted doesn't mean she does. If she converted, and it wasn't a great cost to her and her family, she would have. We would soon be married, and I'd have the companion I'm looking for in life. Bottom line is that she believes it would hurt her and her family and I shouldn't wish that on her, especially since she was once a partner in my life.
I'm still semi-surprised that I think about her in my free time. Almost the second I get into my car on the drive back, she pops into my head. She also rents my mind in the down moments on the weekend. A small part of it is that thinking about my Ex is so different compared to what I do most of the day. I also think the demands of the job lead me to wanting a life partner even more than usual. At the end of a sixteen hour day, I'd love to decompress with a hug followed by a shower, a warm meal and talking over dessert. Maybe I miss the companionship more than the individual. After all, it's nice to cuddle and wake up next to a companion on a regular basis. In due time, not only will I have more life experiences, but I'll ultimately marry someone who makes me happy and hopefully, I can make proud.