7lbs, Old Fears, and New Strengths

This past week was a little rough on me. Hours after my last post last Sunday, I started feeling the effects of what was my first experience with food poisoning. 2 days and 7lbs later, I was back in the land of the living, refreshed and equipped with a few new philosophies on life.

1. Ever since I was a kid (under 5) my greatest fear was losing my parents. This fear has compounded not only as they have remained consistently nurturing (and now to my wife as well) but I have also become closer with them over the years as they have evolved in my eyes from parents to people who had to make life choices. As an example, I am deeply in awe at how seamless their parenting felt as I grew up as they always offered the right cures for my maladies whether it was body, spirit or mind. There were a lot of bad detours I could have taken growing up, misinformed by the flexible morals of my peers or my own insecurities of youth, that was easily prevented by a few words of advice and encouragement from my parents. Now, as Jess and I think about having children of our own in time, I am deeply intimidated by all that I don't know which appeared so natural to my parents.

It doesn't help to have grown up somewhat unconventionally. I never really left home or tested my ability to become fully independent. I never needed to escape, when I knew how good it was here. Perfect weather, the culture and appeal of a major city, supporting family and a warm meal with TLC every Friday night. Would you really leave your own "Eldorado" for the sake of adventure and proving your own independence? I chose not to.

But the fear has remained that someday I will lose these monumental pillars and I will be left unwhole. This is an advantage my brother will have someday, as he has chosen differently, but until then I love the proximity. What I have recently learned however, is that while I certainly will be shaken when the darkness arrives, I hope to find solace in what I have created with my wife. And I have realized that this process of creation is the most powerful thing a man can do. Create. Create love, create a happy marriage, create children. My parents did this and that's what made them so strong in the face of struggle. These creations will be the new pillars in my life too. My old pillars are there too, I love my parents, but these new pillars, the warmth of marriage and the immense love in rearing children, will help me stand tall.

2. From a spiritual understanding this brings us closer to the Creator in my mind, as it allows us to partially comprehend the joy He felt upon creating the masses of this universe and the physical laws that govern it. This process of creation is a Holy light.